lessons from the kitchen

last night i trudged through slushy snow (!!) to red hook for my (red hot) anti-vday evening.

i was charged with the quintessential part of the meal: dessert. since my latest culinary creations have turned out to be surprisingly successful, i decided to put my mad cooking skills to the test and be slightly more adventurous than usual. cat cora's "chocolate filled crepes covered with strawberry sauce" seemed perfect (i mean come on, it's cat cora).

warning bells should have sounded in my head immediately upon reading this disclaimer: "This recipe was provided by professional chefs and has been scaled down from a bulk recipe provided by a restaurant. The Food Network Kitchens chefs have not tested this recipe, in the proportions indicated, and therefore, we cannot make any representation as to the results".

blinded by my ambition and newly bolstered self-confidence, i blithely chose to disregard this message. with more anticipation than trepidation, i got into my kitchen (if i had an apron, i would have put it on; that's how serious i was).

first signs of trouble:
"In a bowl, mix the cream cheese and cocoa together." Cat, it's not mixing....
"Add a dash of milk to loosen, although you want the mixture thick." What mixture? and is it supposed to look like crumbling turd?
"Spoon it into 3 crepes." it's not spooning...
"Place side by side on a serving plate." i taste the filling after the crepes are already folded. it's as disgusting as it looks. is there a whole cup of sugar missing from this recipe?

more trouble:
"Heat a large saute pan on high heat. Toss in the remaining butter and then the strawberries. Cook them lightly and add Grand Marnier." i have no grand marnier, therefore i will substitute orange juice=bad idea.

moral of the story:
do not, i repeat, do not ever try a food network recipe that has a disclaimer. awful things will happen.
if in fact you attempt this (and ignore my warning), a container of haagen dazs strawberry sorbet from the bodega on the corner should be enough to salvage any dessert gone awry.