how not to train for a marathon

1) 2 weeks before the marathon: eat chocolate covered edamame for a week. 1 week before the marathon: eat a container full of chocolate covered macadamia nuts in a day...followed by a 1/2 pint of ben & jerry's and a huge slice of chocolate cake with lavender icing the next night...and continue on in this manner for the rest of the week, making sure to finish the cake in time for the big day. basically eat endlessly as you have been doing all along (especially the things you're not supposed to), the excuse being, "i'm training for a marathon." (and you're probably on the right track if your old running partner, whom you no longer run with, suggests that you wear a shirt with "powered by brownies" on the back).
2) average 5-6 hours of sleep every night
3) drink 3-4 cups of coffee everyday
4) take vitamins with your first cup of coffee in the morning
5) drink beer or really any alcohol at all while in 'training mode'
6) plan long runs that are close to 100% (if not 100%) of your total mileage
7) shorten your long runs by 2...or 3 miles...or whenever you feel like stopping; that's probably good enough.
8) begin your taper early...like a month early.
9) run in an oversize cotton t and shorts from college and consider running clothing to be 'special'....as in,
"whoa, do you have special shorts too?"
"you mean running shorts?"
"yeah."
"yes, i own running shorts."
10) find out about gels 2 weeks before the marathon:
"so, what do you eat when you run?"
"you're supposed to eat?"
"you mean you don't eat anything?"
"no....you're supposed to? what do you eat?"
"bananas, a granola bar..."
"really? when you run?"
"...or gel."
"oh i've seen that before!"
"sigh."