granularity

Unable are the Loved to die

2010-11-26T15:14:00.001-05:00

Unable are the Loved to die
For Love is Immortality,
Nay, it is Deity—

Unable they that love—to die
For Love reforms Vitality
Into Divinity.

--Emily Dickinson

fall

2010-09-15T22:34:00.004-04:00

for kevin

I wish I had talked to you more,

Asked about your family,
Your plans for the weekend.
Too late to see your sweet smile again.
The days are short
And grow shorter still.

vanishing point

2010-07-31T11:58:00.005-04:00

do you ever feel like

your world has gotten so narrow,

if it gets any smaller,

you'll disappear completely?

how i deal with broken glass

2010-07-24T19:04:00.009-04:00

i dropped a glass

and watched it shatter into a million tiny pieces.

instead of picking them up,

i left the fragments

to step on for weeks afterward,

and left a bloody trail

across the tile of the bathroom floor.

quote of the day

2010-06-06T21:48:00.001-04:00

"Happiness begins where selfishness ends."

--John Wooden

iceland

2010-05-16T00:05:00.002-04:00

i want to go back to iceland (after the volcano is done erupting). i miss it.

landing

2010-05-15T11:40:00.001-04:00

i feel like i've led three lives in the past six months:

life before layoff
life after layoff
life now

i started a new job. it feels weird being an employed, functioning member of society again. at my outplacement center, they called this "landing." it's the perfect word. it's like the pieces of my life that were scattered are starting to come together. it feels right.

saturday song

2010-05-15T11:37:00.002-04:00

sweet song from ra ra riot, love them.

5 things not to say to an unemployed person

2010-05-03T21:59:00.052-04:00

during the time i've been unemployed, i've noticed my temper running a little short. it could be because all the pent-up feelings and frustration that usually comes with dealing with work (or "work rage") get displaced while unemployed...and since it has nowhere else to go, innocent bystanders end up bearing the brunt. hopefully this list* will save others from some whiplash or worse.

1. "how's the job search?"

if the person is not looking for a job, then this question only serves to annoy. and if he/she is looking, then it's like asking, "how's your rosacea?" wait for the unemployed to bring it up first...or just ask how they are doing.

2. "are you working right now?"

when/if i find a job, everyone will know, including you.**

3. "how about sending out 20 resumes a day?"

i know people are trying to be helpful, but suddenly it seems like everyone considers themselves to be experts on 'how to find a job'. given the state of the economy, it's really not as simple or easy as that. some really talented individuals at my outplacement center have been looking for a job anywhere from ten months to two years. if you're not in the same unemployment pool that i'm in, or haven't been there, then i think it's harder to relate.

4. "here's my business card."

hmmm. i'm not quite sure what to do with this. i don't really want to hear about openings in accounts payable or web design, because that's not what i do. before gratuitously handing out business cards and tossing out the "send me your resume" line, find out what kind of work the unemployed person is looking for. once you know that, then you can match up the opportunities with the right candidate...that is, if you really want to help.

5. "let's do lunch!"

for unemployed and employed alike, don't call up someone you haven't talked to or seen in, oh let's say two years, and try to meet up (aka network). and don't pretend that you're a friend...that just makes it worse.

*a top 5, in honor of yth, which is now ivh

**more on that later

new orleans, five years later

2010-05-02T21:57:00.038-04:00

i think i left a piece of my heart down in new orleans.

it's the part that wants to sit on a porch swing and drink moscow mules all evening, under a ceiling painted the color of heaven.

the part that appreciates the wait that comes after the question "how're y'all doing now?" and perfect, piping hot beignets to eat wherever, whenever.

the part that felt freedom in the way a gospel choir sang and danced, even in that sweltering heat, and in how miss donna delighted in her "beautiful" bathroom, now painted "sexy pink."

the part that ached for miss bonnie and her empty shell of a house, which we did the best we could to fix up, but had such a long way to go, and on such little cash.

the part that saw a city's enduring spirit amidst overgrown weeds in the lower 9th and in a group of men who sat on porch steps that led to nowhere.

there is still so much to be done.

family calling plan

2010-04-22T17:43:00.005-04:00

my uncle calls my mom who calls me to tell me my cousin called me.

new messages (0)

voicemails (0)

are all families this crazy?

density

2010-04-20T22:17:00.037-04:00

"love is not our duty, it's our destiny."

--n.t. wright

i don't know why, but i started thinking about crispin glover

when he says, in back to the future,

"i'm your density. i mean, your destiny."

maybe that is apt,

love is density.

matter and marrow that fills our bones and satisfies us,

but can also feel heavy,

a too rich meal that leaves us slightly uncomfortable

and wishing we had a smaller appetite.

down the street from carnegie hall

2010-04-20T22:17:00.025-04:00

passing by a piano showroom tonight,

i went back and stood at the window,

in front of that venerable brand, Steinway & Sons,

rising from a concrete ledge in old brassy letters.

silent black grands and baby grands gleam in the dark,

patiently waiting for someone to come and play them,

and fill the air with musical notes, crescendos and pianissimos.

i looked at them as someone might eye cars in a showroom,

wanting to take one out for a spin, wondering how it would handle,

and a part of me that had long lain dormant was suddenly awakened,

this unfamiliar feeling of longing catching me quite by surprise.

i thank You God for most this amazing

2010-04-19T07:16:00.005-04:00

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

--e.e. cummings

a farmer's life for me

2010-04-17T16:43:00.020-04:00

spring in new york is usually a non-season.

last year, the weather was like this:
cooooooooooooooooooooooooooooold !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (translation: rain rain rain rain) Bam! HOT

although it's dreary outside, today was my first day back at added value, an urban farm on an old asphalt playing field out in red hook, where we did lots of weeding (a welcome and less smelly change from all the composting we did last season). i took some baby lettuce home in my grubby hands and threw it into my lunch...literally from farm to table! there is something so rich and satisfying about working with the earth. although i can barely keep my plant alive, i've always loved the idea of being a farmer (my other secret life pursuit: a horse ranch in montana).

saturday song

2010-04-17T12:10:00.004-04:00

i find the title appropriate, the second half anyway..."Harold T. Wilkins or How to Wait for a Very Long Time." the song itself sort of captures where i've been at.

veg life, one year later

2010-04-17T09:30:00.037-04:00

happy one year anniversary to me! around this time last year, i was a pescatarian, setting foot on the threshold of vegetarianism. and after the first torturous week, i've never looked back (minus a meal in chile, when i realized, no, i actually did not want to eat fish again).

becoming a vegetarian has been a slow, gradual process. when people ask about it, they soon regret asking...it leads to a long, complicated answer. so here it is, for your benefit :) eight years ago, i stopped eating red meat. i was eating a hamburger in london of all places (this was mad-cow era, and i was taking my chances), and had this moment where i realized a) i wasn't enjoying eating red meat (nothing against that particular hamburger itself) and b) i completely wouldn't miss it if i didn't have it in my life. so i stopped. and i didn't miss it, not one bit.

fast forward three years. a friend's friend came over from london for a week long visit....being vegetarian, she wanted to check out all the veggie restaurants in town. so i took her to the ones i knew and then some. she was worried that she was forcing me to eat vegetarian, but i loved it. after she left, i just kept up with it.

i give a lot of credit to michael pollan's omnivore's dilemma for changing the way i eat and think about food (if you haven't read it, at least watch food, inc.). i know i probably bother too much with labels and isms and get way too excited when i meet other fellow veggies...and who knows? i may find myself eating burgers and medium-rare steak again in the future. i guess what i'm trying to say is, whether you eat meat or don't, let's be mindful about our eating.

photo: yet another amazing meal on the inca trail. shortly after this picture was taken, the condor was eaten by vegetarians.

immersion

2010-04-14T05:37:00.029-04:00

those photos from barcelona,

filled with color and light,

senses and wonder,

i want to jump into them,

dive right into that ocean spray,

linger over a parade of perfect meals,

marvel at whirling shapes in glass,

wander down mysterious tunnels,

the way you did.

it's as if these moments conspired to appear

and pose with great care for the lens.

the refraction of light captured just there,

those little kids with their hands reaching to the sky,

everything bathed in hues so bright,

it almost hurts to look.

why don't you...

2010-04-12T00:13:00.021-04:00

my mom wishes my old company would hire me again.

"why don't you work there again?" "mom...i don't want to go backwards, i want to go forwards."

even after it's been almost four years since my first job, she still brings that company up too.

"why don't you go back to them?" "i left, remember? i don't want to work there."

it's not as bad as it used to be, but when i was younger, it was almost incessant.

"why don't you be a teacher? or a pharmacist?" (these were considered appropriate professions for women, in her eyes).

"why don't you study this subject instead of majoring in that?" (i.e., something practical vs. useless subjects like english and history?)

"why don't you buy nice clothes?"

"why don't you go to grad school?"

"why don't you play piano at church?"

i know she just wants what's best for me, and these are all the opportunities she would have liked to have had growing up. in another universe she probably would have been a teacher, gone to museums and operas all the time and played several instruments (or maybe just piano). instead she became a nurse, stayed in la and passed up a chance to go to grad school in new york, met my dad and went with him on his crazy hunting trips in the mountains and paid for 13 years of piano lessons which her ungrateful daughter doesn't even use.

at least one dream is finally coming true. after some prodding, at age 63, she's learning how to play piano.

lessons from the unemployment line

2010-04-08T23:41:00.049-04:00

during these past few months, i've learned a few things.

the upside of unemployment:

it's true...giving is better than receiving. i'm learning how to serve, something that does not come naturally or easily to me, and to recognize how many opportunities are out there to help someone else, even in a small way.

hanging out w/friends...is something you can never do enough of. we so easily lose sight of the important things, like relationships, when we are always working, always on the go.

being a non-consumer in a consuming society...is awesome. i realize more and more how few of my wants are actually needs, except food (gotta eat). which brings me to my next point....

saving on metro cards...means that i walk through the city at all hours of the day, and how much there is to see!

going to the gym and grocery shopping...can actually be enjoyable, and done without pushing and shoving, or at least for those of us who can do all these things during the day.

the dark side:

not having a schedule...makes me feel a little crazy. i never know what day it is (not that i have anywhere important to be).

eating and sleeping habits...have gone by the wayside. i sleep too much or don't sleep enough, but eat all the time.

that listless feeling...really kicks in when i don't even have to get out of my pjs all day. you know all those projects/to-do lists hanging over your head, to be tackled when you finally have time? well it still doesn't happen, even when you have all the time in the world.

getting easily irritated...yes, i consider this a side effect of unemployment. for example, people who get on the subway and ask for money during business hours--can't they see we're really not the people to be asking? or perhaps we are....

and all those other feelings...to keep firmly in check. as the unemployment rate hovers around 10 percent, and people lose homes, struggle to support their families, or deal with illness without health insurance, i'm constantly reminded of how much i have to be grateful for.

someone asked me the other day if i missed my old job/company. i miss some aspects of it (the cool office, the actual work i did), but on the whole, i still feel that getting laid off was and is very much a blessing. a friend told me that getting over a job is like getting over a relationship. according to him, it takes half the amount of time you were in that relationship to recover. so if i go by that theory, since i worked there for two years, it should take one year to get over it...i'm not sure i believe that, but when i watch a 30 rock episode or hear what my old coworkers are up to (or buy tofu at the grocery store and start staring at the expiration date), sometimes i feel a pang...of what, i'm not sure. it's not envy, but just the feeling of something that once was, and isn't anymore.

parsley, a happy mistake

2010-04-03T19:59:00.014-04:00

i've made the mistake of buying parsley instead of cilantro before. last time, the unwanted parsley just sat in the fridge and went bad. i couldn't believe i'd made the same mistake again(!) and vowed to use it all up this time. wow (or should i say, pow!), the power of parsley! i'm totally buying it again...on purpose. flat leaf parsley became the focal point for a simple pasta dish thrown together with olive oil, garlic and fresh parm. loved it so much i made it again, with lots of veggies. today it was perfect for an open-faced sandwich with roasted carrots, feta and onions.

i'm starting to realize this is turning into a food blog. when you spend as much time eating and sleeping as i do, well, i guess this is the result.

saturday song

2010-04-03T13:34:00.001-04:00

catchy song for a sunny spring day!

how high is the moon

2010-03-30T11:26:00.008-04:00

i love ella fitzgerald's unforgettable (ha, i am so punny) rendition of mack the knife in her 1960 berlin performance. but i never heard the song that apparently followed right after. her voice seriously soars sky high, or really, to the moon...and it just makes me ridiculously happy.

mexican...cali style

2010-03-27T00:05:00.041-04:00

i miss mexican food. a lot. every time i go home i have to eat it at least a couple times (usually straight from the airport, on the way back, and as much as i can in between). ny has a lot of everything, but one thing it definitely doesn't have is good mexican food. so the other night i invited a friend over for a mexican fiesta.

the menu: veggie tacos, black beans and rice and plenty of fresh guac and salsa. when i was pescatarian, i used to love fish tacos (and made them every now and again), but these veggie tacos were more than filling.

and for dessert, mexican chocolate tofu pudding. my friend doesn't like tofu desserts, but i guess this one was an exception because we both went back for seconds, stuffed as we were.

all is love

2010-03-26T11:52:00.005-04:00

haven't seen the movie yet, but i just love (ha) this song.

sf...and back again

2010-03-22T16:40:00.067-04:00

two weeks ago, i was in sf for a trial run...testing the waters, so to speak. did my heart belong in sf? i wasn't sure.

i loved the plethora of veggie/vegan foods on every menu and cute little coffeeshops w/free wifi,

connected with the poetry and art of the street,

...but it seemed like i still couldn't get away from brooklyn.

and while my relationship w/new york has got its ups and downs, like any relationship,

it's a lot harder to get out of than i thought. new york has a way of getting under your skin, of staying on your mind. you think you might be able to get away from it, but it doesn't get away from you...or at least that's what i've realized is true for me.

spring

2010-03-21T19:57:00.008-04:00

...it's finally here! (these are not my shoes although i sort of wish they were).

on the edge

2010-03-20T01:02:00.005-04:00

...of a nervous breakthrough. i keep reminding myself that i'm at a crossroads, not a crisis.

earlier last month, i was:

1) getting ready for a move to sf

2) posting my belongings on craigslist

3) packing up books and clothes and sending them to california

4) trying to get rid of everything else i owned

fast forward a few weeks. now here i was:

1a) postponing my move (or possibly not moving at all)

2a) deleting my craigslist postings and disappointing some potential buyers

3a) putting a screeching halt to packing and hiding boxes in the closet

4a) wondering if i really should have been so quick to give away my dvd player

i wish i had superpowers....like shouldn't this store sell some "decision making" powder or something? or some "what i should do with my life" serum. nope. not in stock.

but along the way (to somewhere, i hope), i've gotten some good advice. a friend passed on her dad's wisdom, and according to her dad, here are the three questions you should ask yourself when choosing a career/job:

1) what are you good at?

2) what do you enjoy?

3) how can you help other people?

and another friend shared this amazing quote (re: vocation):

"the place God calls you to is where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet"

--frederick buechner

roasted butternut squash with carrots

2010-03-19T23:30:00.024-04:00

ahhh, roasted butternut squash. so lovely! i made it last night (to serve as part of my small group's dinner at a women's shelter in the neighborhood). i happened to have some carrots so i added them and the combination made the dish. (wish this pic did the colors justice). i took elements from various recipes and made up my own.

1 butternut squash
1/2 small onion, chopped
2 carrots, sliced

2 T olive oil

3 cloves garlic, minced

1 1/2 T sage, chopped

1/4 t cinnamon

1 T maple syrup

1/4 c pine nuts

Cut butternut squash in cubes, and mix with onions and carrots. Add garlic, sage and cinnamon. Spread onto baking sheet and coat with olive oil. Drizzle the maple syrup on top. Add salt and pepper to taste. Roast at 400 degrees for 30-40 minutes, turning once halfway through. Roast pine nuts separately in a pan and sprinkle on top when squash is done, and add fresh sage leaves for garnish.

i thought about adding goat cheese at the end, but the dish was just perfect as it was. sweet, tender, and just right to share with women who longed for a home-cooked meal and a bed to sleep in for the night.

a veggie affair

2010-03-14T01:10:00.003-05:00

yes, that's right. cauliflower is my new best friend. the friend i never thought i'd have...the one remaining veggie that i didn't like (and i like all veggies). well, when you have it like this, you really can't go wrong. and just like that, a new convert is born. this veggie and butternut squash=current obsession (although not together...hmmm, i wonder how they would taste together?).

avoiding

2010-03-14T00:42:00.002-05:00

rather than talk, we avoid

rather than look at me, you leave,

i'm not sure if i've offended you,

or if this is just awkward.

to me, this is just awkward.

secrets

2010-03-14T00:26:00.014-05:00

there's an undercurrent of sadness, of sickness,

to her mastications.

crumbs dotting the corners of her mouth,

the only testament to methodical demolishment,

turn her into a five-year-old once more.

pale stained shapes swim over her shoulder,

new embellishments on the front of her top.

i watch, a bystander at a scene.

helplessly caught looking on,

i avert my eyes

as if i have been privy to unspoken secrets,

and barged in on an intimate and too naked moment.

you know you're on a budget when

2010-03-05T14:25:00.001-05:00

walking out of a store empty-handed=a good shopping day.

poor peter parker

2010-03-01T16:22:00.007-05:00

the bad guys keep coming, and now he doesn't have a job.

there's one way of looking at unemployment...and then there's another. a times article ("millions of unemployed face years without jobs") that came out recently almost had me crying into my cup of coffee. years? i was thinking in terms of months (although at the rate i've been applying--or not applying, it may as well be years). how quickly disillusionment sets in. the next day, this article appeared. if i ever go back to spain, i'm going straight to cadiz. i love these people. surely i must be related to them somehow?! my favorite part was this quote:

"Life is four days long. On one you’re born, on another you die, and in the two in between, you have to have fun.”

snow days

2010-02-14T01:39:00.018-05:00

there's something magical about snow. i think it's because i'm a californian...snow will always remain a novelty.

anyway, the recent snowstorm (and my new camera from christmas) have inspired me to do the unthinkable: unpeel myself from my couch and go outside (step away from the couch...just step away).

i can't stand summers in new york, but i don't mind winter. even with the blinding whiteness and the chill, i welcome every snowfall with wonder and glee. everything just seems so fresh and new...and exhilarating all over again. like God wiping the slate clean. like anything can happen.

wish you well

2010-02-13T17:27:00.012-05:00

last night i went with a friend to see katie herzig play. i don't really know her music that well, but i do like this song. (and npr seems to be the only one that has the embed code with non-cheesy visuals).

snowmen

2010-02-10T23:54:00.013-05:00

walking home late tonight, i passed a snowman in a yard, then another, and yet another. i wondered if they were just biding time until the stroke of midnight, when they would all pull themselves up out of snowy drifts and file out of their yards. would the ones without eyes stumble into trees and wish they were better made? and would the ones who had eyes but no buttons throw sideways glances at the one who seemed to have the shiniest? and then, after they got oriented, perhaps they would all join in a synchronized snowman dance, full of swaying and mysterious import. or perhaps it is more of a glad whirlwinding of powdered snow and uplifted branch arms. or maybe it's a headbangers ball, heads bobbing so violently that one of them rolls off now and again, and the ones with treebranch arms must go and retrieve it. at any rate, there were more of them than of me, and it seemed as if they were just waiting till they could break free.

milk of the week: hemp

2010-02-10T11:28:00.025-05:00

before i started dabbling in veganism (or as family and friends would probably say, before i 'got all weird'), i had no idea there were so many non-dairy milk options. complicating matters further are the variety of flavors to choose from: unsweetened, sweetened, original, vanilla, chocolate, etc. although i'm not vegan anymore (read wannabe vegan), since discovering this wide world beyond the dairy aisle, i've stuck to rotating different milks in my fridge. this week, i've been drinking hemp milk. i'd say it ranks somewhere below almond milk and above whole grain milk (brown rice, amaranth, millet and quinoa).

current milk hierarchy:

1. almond

2. soy (non silk brand)

3. hemp

4. whole grain

5. rice

i switch off mostly between 1 and 2, but 2 is the only one that goes decently with coffee. the others (#4 and 5 especially) are pretty watery, but even so, i don't think i can ever go back to drinking regular milk.

carrot kick

2010-02-02T17:32:00.015-05:00

i'm not usually a fan of carrot cake but decided to make it for a friend's dinner party (and also needed to use up the leftover cream cheese frosting from the red velvet cupcakes). i think i'm a fan now, or at least of this version.

it turned out so well that i made carrot cupcakes too (vegan cupcakes will just have to wait). the icing goes on first thing tomorrow morning.

yup, i am a baking machine.

fashion challenged

2010-02-02T15:39:00.029-05:00

i'm no fashionista, i admit. although i'd like to think i've made some strides from my flip flops and xl college sweatshirt days, i'm still clueless about all things style. this was obvious in a recent conversation with a fashion-forward friend who was going shopping after lunch.

me: so what are you shopping for?

friend: i'm looking for those (insert proper fashion term here) trousers

me: what kind of trousers?

friend: you know the ones that are (fashion term) and a little shorter on the bottom, so you can wear them with heels?

me: are they pencil leg?

friend: no, they're tapered.

me: ? confused look

friend: okay. just imagine khaki pants, folded at the bottom.

me: oh!

sugar high

2010-01-28T18:12:00.010-05:00

what i did today:

made red velvet cupcakes for the first time! not the greatest frosting job, but hey, i tried. next time i'd like to try making vegan cupcakes (even though i already know the batter won't taste half as good as this full fat, full sugar version).

status: comatose

2010-01-27T00:16:00.036-05:00

i haven't moved from the couch all week. in fact, these days, i rarely get out of my grey sweatpants--the same tea-and-chocolate-cookie-stained sweatpants i've worn everyday for the past few weeks.

today:

got up from the couch long enough to do laundry for the first time in over a month.

so now i have a clean pair of pjs to change into...a major accomplishment considering i didn't even brush my hair or take a shower. i'm just glad i don't own a scale....

in my aimless internet surfing, i stumbled across this blog for unemployed people and immediately took comfort in knowing that i'm not alone. (and apparently david chang likes doing nothing too; i've always liked that guy).

Le Pont Mirabeau

2010-01-26T22:04:00.012-05:00

at n&a's wedding (one of the six weddings) last year, the groom's father read the first poem in french and his mother read the second one.

Under the Mirabeau Bridge there flows the Seine

Must I recall

Our loves recall how then

After each sorrow joy came back again

Let night come on bells end the day

The days go by me still I stay

Hands joined and face to face let's stay just so

While underneath

The bridge of our arms shall go

Weary of endless looks the river's flow

Let night come on bells end the days

The days go by me still I stay

All love goes by as water to the sea

All love goes by

How slow life seems to me

How violent the hope of love can be

Let night come on bells end the day

The days go by me still I stay

The days the weeks pass by beyond our ken

Neither time past

Nor love comes back again

Under the Mirabeau Bridge there flows the Seine

Let night come on bells end the day

The days go by me still I stay

--Guillaume Apollinaire

The First TIme I Saw You (Den Forsta Gang Jag Sag Dig)

2010-01-26T22:03:00.010-05:00

The first time I saw you, it was a summer day,

in the morning when the sun was shining brightly,

and all the flowers the meadow, many hundreds of species,

stood bowing together in pairs.

And the wind's breeze was gentle, and down at the seashore,

a wave slipped lovingly towards the shell in the sand.

The first time I saw you it was a summer day,

the first time that I took your hand.

The first time I saw you, the summer sky was luminous,

as dazzling as the swan in its splendor.

Then, from the green edge of the forest,

was heard the rejoicing of bird song.

Then, a song sounded from the sky, beautiful as none other;

it was the little grey lark, so hard to discover

The first time I saw you, the summer sky was luminous,

as radiant and beautiful as nevermore.

--Birger Sjorberg

running along the charles

2010-01-25T02:24:00.009-05:00

the river lies quietly under its white covers,

waiting for spring to come and shake them off,

and on the riverbank,

an owl asleep on a branch

holds last night's catch fast in its claw--

a mouse-sized snack for later.

the frozen stillness

and the absence of color,

the world's slow breathing

on a winter morning,

i think i might prefer it

to the breezy shouts and splashing of summer.

leaving vs. moving

2010-01-24T19:14:00.000-05:00

going through a box of (mostly unread) books gathering dust in one corner of my apartment, i was going to add one to the giveaway pile, when i flipped to the first page and read the first sentence. i may just have to read the rest of it.

"Moving is easy. Everyone does it. But actually leaving somewhere is difficult."

--Nick Laird

word of the day

2010-01-09T11:30:00.008-05:00

happy 2010! homer simpson really does come up with the best words....the nytimes agrees.

crisatunity
crisis and opportunity

quote of the day

2010-01-07T01:27:00.005-05:00

“Your days are short here; this is the last of your springs. And now in the serenity and quiet of this lovely place, touch the depths of truth, feel the hem of Heaven. You will go away with old, good friends. And don't forget when you leave why you came.”

--Adlai Stevenson

sometimes i miss the 80s

2009-12-30T03:42:00.000-05:00

i still argue with my dad

2009-12-27T11:06:00.004-05:00

dad: aren't you getting a haircut while you're here?
me: are you telling me i need a haircut?
dad: yes
me: no, i'm not getting a haircut

quote of the day

2009-12-23T10:30:00.001-05:00

Pies, para qué los quiero
Si tengo alas para volar.

Feet, what do I need them for

If I have wings to fly.

—Frida Kahlo

interim

2009-11-26T19:20:00.012-05:00

while i can think of many things,
flies trapped in a buzzing jar of stickiness,
there is nothing before me right now
but the placidity of this lake
with its two snow-capped volcanoes.
the calm of the lake,
the sun saying its reluctant goodbye,
unwrinkles the skin above my forehead.
how pleasant it is
to be able to pause,
if only for a moment,
and not get trampled on, from behind.

puerto varas

so this is what it feels like...

2009-11-23T01:18:00.025-05:00

sitting in a conference room i've never been in, i hear, "as you know" and "we've made some changes." "it's not personal." it's not you, it's me, i add silently. hr starts going over the paperwork and legalese, but my brain has stopped functioning. her mouth is moving and words are coming out, but i can't seem to hear or process anything she's saying. i wonder if this is how people feel when they're first diagnosed with something like cancer; this must be why they're advised to bring a recorder or a friend. everything goes numb after the first few minutes or so, including your hearing.

so this is what it feels like to be pink-slipped. i've often wondered. and after the initial shock wears off, it's really not so awful. in fact, i'd even venture to say, this isn't awful at all. after months, heck, years of dodging waves of layoffs, i finally felt like my time was running out. only a few weeks ago, i told my friends that we might be hanging out a lot more, and not just during the holidays...with rumors of yet another round coming up, my coworkers and i were walking around wondering when exactly the axe would fall. before the holidays, of course, like always (gotta make those q4 numbers!), but was today the day? perhaps tomorrow? it ended up being on a monday (they must have decided to switch it up a little). but for me, the waiting and worrying ended up being worse than the act itself.

a week ago, i was dreading yet another monday in the office. yesterday morning, or about 14 hours ago, i was running a marathon. in a few hours, i'll be on a plane to s america...and after that? starting another chapter in my life. somehow, it all feels right...it's time to move on.

the six year itch

2009-11-11T23:12:00.009-05:00

i'm out of town almost every weekend, but i can't seem to escape. i don't know what i'm escaping from, only that i've had this constant, unshakeable feeling since the beginning of summer. the unspoken thought in my mind is, i've got to get out of here, away from this teeming city, confined to its tiny dot on the map...and away from the sameness of it all.

a couple weeks ago, i ran into a few people i knew in the space of a short afternoon...on the corner of 21st and 9th, near broadway-lafayette and in a subway car. i sort of took it as a sign that i've been here too long. but how long is too long? someone once told me that after five years, you're a new yorker. according to another source, it's 10, or once you've been mugged, whichever comes first. it's been six and a half years, and thankfully no muggings, but i have a new york license now. after six months of carrying an expired ca license, i finally gave it up, feeling a twinge of what, i don't know, panic? regret? guilt? when the lady at the dmv took it from me.

am i ready to go back? or go somewhere else entirely? questions keep swirling through my head, and i don't have any answers. when i first read an essay by joan didion called "goodbye to all that," i didn't understand...the paralyzing depression and the turning point...ending with a plane ride back to california. (and yet she lives here now). it didn't make sense. how could a story with such a hopeful beginning sour and end so abruptly? now i think i understand, at least more than i did when i first read it, six years ago.

public speaking

2009-11-08T23:50:00.003-05:00

while talking to someone recently,

i learned that her parents are both deaf.

signing was her first language.

i wonder what it was like growing up,

bridging a world of silence with one of noise,

being the mouthpiece,

having adult conversations

whose meanings might have otherwise remained hidden.

love m. ward

2009-11-08T22:45:00.002-05:00

quote of the day

2009-09-10T22:59:00.001-04:00

"it's easy to make a new friend. all you have to do is just go up and say hi. it's two simple letters."

cousins

2009-09-08T21:26:00.010-04:00

my 20-year-old cousin and i spent the day hanging out in brooklyn yesterday. it was good to see her for a longer period of time than the few short hours reserved for each new year's day. all of my cousins have grown up so quickly. i used to think they were nuisances, running around and generally acting obnoxious, but now suddenly everyone's so fun to be around. or maybe it's just that my time with them has become more precious over the years.

a summer rainstorm

2009-08-26T20:15:00.007-04:00

my friends got married during a rainstorm. i didn't know the rain was considered good luck, only that they had wanted it outside, in the garden, facing the arbor. instead the rain poured and soaked the earth, the pond overflowed its sides and thunder interrupted their vows. but inside the barn, it was simple, beautiful and intimate. a quiet moment on a rainy day, no pomp and circumstance, just well wishers and joy.

what tomato blight?

2009-08-24T19:28:00.004-04:00

due to luck and skill, our farmers managed to safely harvest the tomato crop.

body image

2009-08-13T22:59:00.012-04:00

now i know why women have body image issues. they get them from their mothers. my mom left yesterday after visiting for a week and a half (way too long). while she was here, we got into a broiling fight. i walked half a block behind her for the better part of a 30 minute walk home, and circled the block afterward.

what started off as a fight about eyebrows (not anything new) turned into a fight about everything else. all the old insecurities rose up to choke me, and there i was, 13 again, throwing a 13-year-old's tantrum. she made it worse by saying how she only wanted me to be more pretty; prettier. yeah, whatever.

but then i wonder, do women really get their body image issues from their mothers? that sparked a wider discussion. one (tiny) friend tells me that her mother likes to pinch her fat and comment on the weight she's gained. another friend tells me how her parents have been nothing but supportive and loving all her life. i tell her i want to trade.

the friends who tell me their mothers have never said anything against their appearance (other than "that's beautiful, you look perfect!"), also remarked how their families were so supportive and tolerant as to possibly not give them the direction they needed...or the constructive criticism they craved. maybe that's a sign of closeness, of intimacy. i'm not really sure. at any rate, we didn't have another fight the rest of the time she was here.

shiny new hair

2009-08-11T22:00:00.010-04:00

after a month or two of going back and forth, i finally took the plunge. i got my hair straightened.

as of a week ago, my hair was volume x2, and no matter how much i subjected it to the straightening iron, it was never 'straight'. for all the product i loaded on, i could never tame it or make it keep much of a shape. getting a straight perm was never an option i seriously considered. i always thought of it as cheating, sort of. besides, pin-straight hair was for girls who actually cared about the way they looked and dressed better than i did. but when a coworker mentioned she had gotten it done, i was surprised by how natural her hair looked. i had no idea she got it straightened. she and another coworker assured me that it had changed their lives, and it would change mine too. that assurance in mind, i booked the appt.

fast forward to the process: washing, brushing goo, drying, washing, straightening, washing, cutting, massage.

3 hours later, i walk out of the salon, not quite feeling like myself. my hair feels foreign and completely unnatural, like it doesn't belong to me. gone are my familiar flyaways and uncontrollable tresses, instead my hair is completely flat, sleek and shiny. it feels totally weird. with straight hair, i feel like just another asian girl...in fact, i shouldn't be here. i should be in la's ktown, outfitted in a skirt and heels, clutching someone else's arm and saying 'obba' in a high, whiny, voice. but i digress. with the new hair, i live it up the entire weekend. i go to a show, a party, out to dinner, a bbq, the beach, i seem to be an entirely new social being. as i get ready in the morning, i marvel at how easy everything is, suddenly; my hair takes no time at all. i feel compelled to dress up for work, a nice outfit to match the nice looks-taken-care-of hair. my coworkers are newly complimentary, effusive even. they ask, 'is that new?' when it's the same dress i've been wearing all summer. it must be the hair.

and has it changed my life? well, so far i'm only on new hair/day 4. i feel more put together than usual, maybe a tad more confident knowing that if other people are sitting behind me, at least my hair looks presentable. when it gets me more dates, maybe that's when i'll know it was worth it. ha.

august already

2009-08-02T22:30:00.000-04:00

i take it all back. the interns are leaving. in a few short weeks, they'll be gone. where did the time go? and now i don't know what i'm going to do without them....

lessons in patience

2009-07-23T00:58:00.017-04:00

interns=free labor, or so i thought. throw anything at them-->watch work magically disappear! umm, not quite. i never imagined how much time, effort, and most of all, patience goes into training interns. (it's funny actually. we're going through a sermon series on the fruits of the spirit, and on the topic of patience, my pastor says "it's easy being patient...when you're alone").

one of the interns is completely adorable—a tiny doll you want to put in your pocket and take home (and how perfect that her last name starts with 'elf'—i'm totally not making this up). as for the other intern, well, let's just say that after a slow start, she's coming along.

i have no clue how to be a mentor. i seem to be doing a lousy job so far. instead of encouraging, guiding and nurturing these hapless interns, i lose my (virtual) temper and just boss them around a lot. "do this" and "then do this" and "oh yeah, after you're done with that, do this." exactly like a manic dictator. if i were them, i'd probably hate me.

but then i get their work back, and wonder how assignments that are so simple can be so... screwed up. where exactly did i go wrong? was it the instructions i gave them? did they need more training? how could they not see exactly what i wanted them to do? in my mind, i had spelled everything out for them...all clear as day, of course.

i try not to, but i can't help complaining about them sometimes (on bad days).

"mom, they're dumb!"

"ahh, you think you're so smart. you were an intern once, too."

"yeah, but i was an awesome, hardworking intern!"

"now that you know so much, you forget what it was like not to know anything."

she's right.

i have forgotten. the anxiety of doing everything wrong, of not knowing how to do anything...of being bored stiff and left to my own devices. it's weird. and even weirder to think that the gap is closing and someday these lowly, unpaid interns (who are currently learning how to use MS Outlook and track their changes in Word for the first time) will be off and working and succeeding on their own. before i know it, we'll be hanging out and talking about old times, i'm sure...like my old intern supervisor in college, who still says i inspired her to move to new york. or maybe i'll do what my old boss did when we met up for lunch one day, about a year after we both left the company. she introduced me to someone as her 'friend,' and i don't think she knew how secretly thrilled i was to hear that new term instead of 'assistant.'

i had moved up, finally.

test kitchen

2009-07-23T00:50:00.011-04:00

this may well be my new fave veg. if you like brussel sprouts, broccoli and cabbage, you'll prob like this one. kohlrabi (german turnip) sort of tastes like a combo of all of the above. one of the great things about doing the farm share is that every other week i wonder, "now what do i do with this ?mystery? vegetable?!" and figure it out. the results aren't always the most appetizing, but hey, at least i try. i roasted pieces of kohlrabi with yellow squash for dinner the other night (my usual answer for vegetables i don't know what to do with) and had the leftovers in my salad (note to my csa: too much lettuce!).

breathing room

2009-07-15T22:49:00.028-04:00

after years of silence, playing catch-up with old friends can get a little strange and awkward. even more so when one has gone through some major life events... and the other has not. during one such conversation, when i was asked if i was seeing anyone, i gave my usual answer. to which the response was, "some people are meant to be single, some people are meant to be married."

i'm not sure if that was meant as kindly consolation, but i immediately took umbrage at the statement. what, exactly, did that mean? i'm meant to be single forever? perhaps people should send cards...like, (sympathetic) "so sorry you're still single." or (celebratory) "happy 30th year of being single!"

i didn't feel like talking much after that. my singleness, little apartment and dinners for one were bearing down on me suddenly; a heavy, burdensome awareness in the face of such abundant and meaningful fulfillment. i wondered if i should be less satisfied with where i was, my degree in ms, not mrs, the hardscrabble foothold i had worked so hard to gain, all in a city where anything and everything happens.

forgive me. i've been a little testy lately (ok, a lot testy. and it's been like months, completely jaded new yorker that i've somehow turned into), and especially on this subject. after a weekend in cali, getting grilled by aunts, uncles, cousins and sanctimonious korean mothers (whose daughters have been safely taken off their hands, phew!), i've pretty much exhausted all pretense of patience for inquiries as to why i haven't rushed to the altar (and at this point, yes, i realize it's more like a slow, painful crawl...my newfound obsession with my eye wrinkles attests to that).

my mother shows me pictures of the latest phd researcher (this time, in physics), and asks what i think. "he's a tool," i say, trying not to laugh. "what's a tool?" my mother wants to know. "i'm not telling." in truth, i don't really know. just that it fits him to a t, with his carefully parted hair and trying-too-hard sideburns and suit.

my parents are smaller, frailer, birdlike. they seem to have shrunk overnight in their clothing. i want to be good to them while i'm there, but they get started on the whole marriage thing on the drive from the airport and drive me crazy all weekend long. my mother especially does not give it a rest. we sit on either side of her, my brother and i. as we wait for my cousin, the bride, to walk down the aisle, she whispers, "what do you think of the wedding singer?" and to my brother, "her. the one in the black and white dress [the wedding coordinator]. she went to ucla." my brother smiles sardonically and waves her away.

i find it harder to communicate with them, which worries me. in their new world of ping pong and golf, they barely speak english anymore. and as my korean disintegrated into nothingness the minute i began learning my abcs, the gap between us seems to grow wider with each year. every once in a while, i am motivated to download podcasts or watch 20 minutes of a dvd that i can't understand. i feel lost, tongue-tied in a language that i should know, did know at some point long ago ("you can't even speak your own language?" a high school teacher said to me once). but then i see it from my dad's point of view, how he's been here for nearly 40 years and still struggles to understand when we speak too quickly. i talk about going to korea and spending a month or two there, the same way i talk about leaving new york. it'll happen... someday. i don't know though. maybe this is just my way of escaping the fact that i still haven't settled down, that some days, most days, i feel as rootless and restless as ever.

mary & martha

2009-07-04T13:51:00.003-04:00

you can't tell....but i made these cookies (on the right) for my friend's bridal shower!

farm fresh goodness

2009-07-04T12:23:00.015-04:00

summer's here! i'm loving my farm fresh fruits and veggies, and for this week, flowers! after trying to get on the neighborhood's csa list for the past two years, i'm finally in. it's wonderful to have local, seasonal produce straight from the farm. last month we (csa members from greenpoint, cg and elsewhere) took a walking tour of the garden of eve farm (the farmer's name really is eve) in long island and got to see where our food comes from...everything is organic (potato bugs are pulled off by hand and either drowned or fed to the chickens).

afterwards we had a potluck picnic in the sunshine, with everyone going from table to table to sample and share dishes. (i also made friends with this goat, who was very interested in the contents of my bag).

for a half share (pickup every other week), here's what i got for my first pickup:

mesclun greens

1 grasp pea shoots (translation: a big handful)

1 box snow peas

3 garlic scapes

1 "clench" spinach (translation: a few bunches)

some unidentifiable purple greens

1 (huge) bunch cilantro

1 bunch asparagus

1 bunch rhubarb

1 box strawberries

i made pretty short work of the snow peas and mesclun but was at a loss for what to do with the pea shoots...eat them raw? i ended up sauteeing the pea shoots, like spinach, and had to toss most of the cilantro since it didn't keep while i was out of town. as for the rhubarb and strawberries, the crumble turned out to be pretty tasty, so much so that i ate it for 3 nights running....it was also the perfect indulgence (accompanied by ciao bella's vanilla gelato) enjoyed with the two melissas, who stayed with me for a whirlwind visit.

quote of the month

2009-06-17T20:36:00.006-04:00

"they laid her off? but she was so pretty!"

i guess even pretty people aren't exempt. sad.

the moth

2009-06-03T23:11:00.008-04:00

there's a moth living in my closet.

i wasn't aware of it until

i went to put on one of my favorite dresses

and discovered a tiny hole,

then another and another....

a dreamy dvf creation in cream

reduced to swiss cheese.

apparently the moth has been picnicking indoors,

most nights enjoying a roving dinner party for one:

soft merino wools in muted colors to start,

the next course, courtesy of jcrew,

a heavy charcoal gray wool imported from hungary,

and for dessert, a delicious blend of extra

fine merino wool with just a hint of nylon and lycra.

stuff

2009-05-12T23:46:00.026-04:00

too much. after i saw this nytimes article, i watched the 'story of stuff' (or some of it, anyway...it's long). i'm glad someone finally made a video like this. i often feel like i'm drowning in stuff....and overwhelmed, weighed down, and ultimately, frightened by excess. it probably doesn't help that i've been away from nature for so long that i'm going through withdrawals. i don't count central park, which although lovely, is converged upon by cars (and their fumes), slow-moving tourists, bikers and hordes of other runners (i swear the running population is exploding). prospect park is minimally better, but still not much of an escape...in another week or so, though, i'll be hiking in the mountains and getting away...from all this stuff!

cooking vegan

2009-05-10T22:01:00.008-04:00

my first vegan dinner party!

the menu:

vegan eggplant parm

pearl barley

white bean bruschetta

mixed green salad

beet chocolate cake, which turned out more like brownies

the verdict: the jury's still out on 'vegan'-labeled recipes. i made vegan cookies a few weeks ago, and as much as i wished otherwise, they weren't very tasty (it also could have been the cookbook, which i'll give one more try before putting in the 'free' pile at work). vegan cooking requires a lot of ingredients (including ones i've never used before or even heard of...like arrowroot powder) and is pretty labor intensive. on the other hand, baking with agave nectar and wheat pastry flour just feels wholesome (and it doesn't cause that blood sugar spike you get with eating sweet treats). i love how i can put beets, bananas, pb and apple sauce into something like chocolate dessert and not feel bad about eating seconds! anyway, the vegan experiment continues for now...every third week at least.

missing

2009-05-05T21:20:00.020-04:00

after weeks of rain (or so it seems),

i get like this....

the warm air

a familiar embrace

as i step off the plane,

tall palm trees of welcome

slowly going by in intervals

along the sides of the freeway

sandy beaches and blue skies

of summer in california.

i talk to my mother,

who is cooking

and wants to get off the phone,

i can tell,

but i draw out the conversation,

trying to picture her

in the new kitchen

of the new house,

cradling her in my palm,

lingering over words.

vegan week

2009-04-21T22:29:00.021-04:00

so i survived my 1-week vegan challenge. it wasn't so bad...apart from the first two nights of sushi torture (it was free! i couldn't eat it!). definitely not as much of a stretch as i thought it would be. i actually like being vegan. i feel lighter, i think my skin looks clearer (although that could be purely psychological) and i have a renewed appreciation for food and what i'm putting into my body. it's an entirely different kind of consciousness from what i was before, a pescatarian.

good things about being vegan:

i always read labels now. i can't believe how many disgusting artificial ingredients and chemicals are in our food...and how much of that stuff i was eating.
baked goods used to be its own food group. now i stay away...yay for eliminating trans fats from my diet!
i eat tons more fruit and vegetables, whereas previously they were just an afterthought (as in, i'll get to it after i eat my cupcakes and brownies and cookies).
i feel like i'm doing the planet some good. i've also never considered myself an animal rights person (or even an animal lover), but reading about the way our food is raised now makes me shudder....

bad things about being vegan:

the moment people hear the word 'vegan' they think i've gone completely nuts. maybe i have, a little.
the next time someone asks me, "where do you get your protein?" i think i might have to smack them on the head. meat is not the only source of protein, people. and the health crises in this country come from getting too much protein, not too little.
potlucks and catered meetings (basically any gathering where food is involved) are hard. i have to remember to bring food with me wherever i go.
fresh produce does not keep as long as processed food. if i don't cook everything right away, it all goes bad (as i learned soon enough after discovering my moldy eggplant and yellowing kale).

i'm thinking of continuing on down this vegan path for now. we'll see if it really is a lifestyle change or just another one of my phases.

overheard

2009-04-10T22:56:00.001-04:00

woman talking on her cell phone:

"i'm in the bathroom. everything else is irrelevant."

afternoon lull

2009-03-27T20:53:00.015-04:00

around 3 or 3:30, i pause,

listening to the type type typing

of hundreds of fingers creating

hundreds of thousands of words per minute.

my own fingers idle on the keyboard

as i wonder how i got here,

playing a part amongst the rest,

in such an impressive microcosm of industry.

since when did i become such a grown-up?

exile/exhale

2009-03-22T15:01:00.011-04:00

these days i feel like screaming.

if only there were a soundproof room nearby,

replete with painted green valleys,

misty mountains and stunning views.

i'd go in, carefully shut the door behind me,

and let go of the screams building inside.

first there'll be a long, drawn out scream,

then a series, separated by bright aerial commas.

maybe there'll even be a few halloos,

depending on the moment.

instead i nod in dumb acquiescence,

or sigh and shrug tight shoulders,

pretending i don't care...not really.

later i'll run at a furious pace,

trying to outrace the frustrations of the day.

quote of the day

2009-03-12T05:33:00.000-04:00

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.
—anais nin

coffee in the afternoon

2009-03-11T23:47:00.012-04:00

i didn't mean to look stern, i'm sure,

but when you email me to 'catch up' over coffee,

i didn't realize you would do all the catching

as i sit—caught—in a metal chair,

and steal downward glances

at my suddenly nonfunctioning wristwatch

beneath the table.

coffee can mean so many things,

especially in the afternoon;

fresh air and chocolate twists,

a moment for ready laughter,

but it means different things

to different people,

i guess.

maybe it wouldn't have been so bad

if you had dark hair and a brilliant smile,

if you were beautiful and witty

and i was suddenly in love with you.

maybe then i wouldn't have minded.

my mistake, perhaps, but those are

30 minutes i'm never getting back.

the state of things

2009-03-09T23:21:00.013-04:00

this is how a conf call went on behind me,

3 pple asking each other this:

i'm good

how are you?

i'm good

how are you?

good

coming and going

2009-03-09T22:55:00.006-04:00

i guess we got tired of waiting,

of the horse's slow plodding gait,

the clippity clop of so many centuries past.

and then we're watching the land pass by,

framed perfectly in glass windows,

a pastoral blur.

that wasn't fast enough either.

now we're whizzing past constellations

and bumping into small planets whose names we don't yet know

in our rush to scoop up what's left of our future

as it spills out of our hands

and we look on with childish glee.

mornings

2009-02-26T20:35:00.007-05:00

i leave for work later and later.

i used to leave my apartment at 8,

then...8:15

...8:30

...8:45.

one day i'll show up

to find the building dark

and everyone gone for the day.

passive aggressive

2009-02-24T20:14:00.025-05:00

she was practically shouting, she was talking so loud.

we could hear her all the way on the other side.

she was talking about packing stuff up (i think,

from what i could hear through my headphones,

music turned all the way up),

books, shelves, something underneath her bed,

in intermittent spanish.

on and on and on.

i walked over to the sound of her voice and glared at her.

she stared back, talking on the phone all the while.

i thought it was pretty obvious why i was staring

but it must not have been obvious to her.

finally she announced, "i'm going to lunch,"

and got off the phone.

we all cheered on interoffice im.

the yellow post-it note* i left on her keyboard said,

please keep your voice down, in consideration of your neighbors.

but what i really wanted to say was,

shut up, the whole office can hear you.

*i wonder if i'll see my note here.

no exit

2009-02-21T00:18:00.017-05:00

that meeting

the one in the afternoon

too much tension

stony silence

arms crossed barriers

dread pooling in the pit that is my stomach.

but those morning meetings

eyes staring

as i open and close my mouth

gills working

floundering

finally i end up doing a solitary little dance

on the table

accompanied by

a nervous laugh

weekend report

2009-02-19T00:00:00.007-05:00

valentine's weekend is usually just a flimsy excuse to drink lots of wine with my single girlfriends. this year, i went to visit friends in d.c. (and made sure that they didn't have any special plans beforehand). we went to eat mussels and drink belgium beer for 3 hours, and the next morning, i "helped" with wedding registry stuff. it was me and a million couples, but i loved it. i went kind of wild...i got to scan all this awesome kitchenware and pretend it was mine. i think carrie had the right idea when she had her single "i'm getting married to myself" registry. at least for me, if i'm not married by ____(insert year), i'm gonna splurge on all the fancy gadgets and stainless steel, lust-inducing novelties that i find.

golden beets

2009-02-13T00:39:00.012-05:00

i cooked golden beets for the first time last weekend. there's something about them. they have such beautiful color and a sweet, delicious flavor. i had 5 people over (the same ones who helped me move last may...yes, it's taken this long! i blame jerz, as i usually do for everything).

the menu:

herb salad with red and yellow peppers, tomatoes, balsamic vinaigrette

farfalle pasta with golden beets, beet greens and pine nuts

bruschetta with white beans and walnuts

mini chocolate fudge cakes

now that i know i can comfortably fit 6 in my apt, let the dinner parties begin!

every time....

2009-02-13T00:14:00.004-05:00

i think of eating a brownie or a cookie, i should just look at this blog.

manhattan manhattan

2009-02-11T20:35:00.013-05:00

how i love thee....

so we're back in the city, after an executive's wish executed (with impressive and unerring swiftness, i might add). i feel like i'm back from exile, and slowly coming back to life. (though it's been tough revitalizing the social life. after almost a year in jerz, i've pretty much lost all my friends in manhattan...not that i ever had many).

how things have changed since a few weeks ago. i'm thankful to still have a job (and with the never-resting axe, i can't take it for granted), my commute time's cut in less than half, and the space is sweet. airy and loftlike, we're in the old nat'l biscuit co factory, where they used to make oreos and other deliciousness. (and where purveyors of fine foods still do...contributing to my lethal brownie habit, now 5 days running).

i'm right in the middle of what feels like an ad agency or an architecture firm. in contrast to our offices in jerz, where we had telephone rooms, meeting rooms, a lactation room and even prayer rooms, there's no privacy here.

for example, here's a recent email exchange:

designer (who sits two desks behind me): "i didn't mean to sneak a peek at your monitor, but that header is orange! it should be green! could you send me the url?"

me: "ummm, i feel a little violated. are you going to be stalking me a lot? here's the url."

designer: "sorry. i was going to lie and say that i was just looking at the site and noticed it...blah blah blah. but really, your computer is just sitting there all exposed."

me: "you could avert your eyes. my computer is shy."

designer: "yeah, it was blushing. i won't look anymore, i promise!"

not that i mind, really. i'm so happy to be back in the city that i'd be ecstatic working in a broom closet. i love it.

if this doesn't pan out though, i have an idea. as three coworkers walked past yesterday, they stopped and gathered around my desk.

coworker 1: "that looks good!" (eyeing my lunch)

coworker 2: "did you get that from the place downstairs?"

me: "i made it!" (with a tiny bit of pride)

coworker 3: "mmm..."

which leads me to my bright idea. i half wonder if i should open my own business....lunchbox orders straight from brooklyn (oh the novelty!). half what you would pay downstairs.

crush(ed)

2009-02-07T00:38:00.005-05:00

we collided in mid-flight,

sometime between

ordering our universes

and waiting for the elevator.

arms and hands suddenly useless,

foreign objects that don't belong.

words drop between us,

tin sounds in a bucket.

mind the gap.

messy room

2009-02-05T22:29:00.004-05:00

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!

His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

--shel silverstein

just change the pronouns and this is what my room (ahem, apartment) looks like...except for the lizard named ed.

no parking

2009-02-01T22:59:00.003-05:00

there's more of this, but i'll have to post later.

quote of the day

2009-01-25T22:21:00.004-05:00

"Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!"

--auntie mame

let the weddings begin (again)

2009-01-19T22:55:00.012-05:00

yet another friend has been ensnared by the bonds of marriage.

last weekend they said their vows while wearing chucks (his: green and black, hers: pink), while i had the honor and privilege of being a groomswoman/attendant. i had gender confusion the entire weekend (do i hang out with the guys? or the girls?), but ended up running around with the guys and doing hair with the girls. it was a blast.

maybe if mike behaves himself, jenny will let him out every once in a while!

another snowy day

2009-01-19T22:32:00.008-05:00

sometimes you just need a good friend to pull you out.
of a snowdrift...a haze...a slump.
or whatever it is that keeps you from moving...

and makes you feel like you're paralyzed or catatonic or both.
i sat and did nothing all day.
i stirred once...enough to take a shower, hoping it would make me feel better.
it didn't.
i sat around in my towel for another hour...
and did more of nothing.
so i started dialing numbers....

me: what are you doing?
friend: just got done with work and on my way to the bar.
me: i've done nothing all day. i barely just got out of my pajamas.
friend: take a shower, maybe it'll help.
me: i did, it didn't. i think i'm depressed.
friend: get out of the house.
me: i can't. i'm stuck. i'll be here and a crane will have to come and get me out.
friend: do i have to take a hammer and hit you on the head with it?
me: that's probably what i need.
friend: the train's here. gotta go. you better get out.

1 minute later
friend (text): did you get out of the house? :)
me (text): nope. still thinking about the crane lifting my body.
friend (text): get out! now!

10 minutes later
me (text): i'm out! and it's beautiful! thanks, friend.

i'm addicted

2009-01-17T00:52:00.008-05:00

to british folk...and especially laura marling (she's a darling!). can't stop listening to cross your fingers.

those split-second decisions

2009-01-12T23:32:00.019-05:00

i was planning to go straight home after work to catch up on sleep (and unpack). instead i went to a last-minute press event that i almost deleted from my inbox.

my neighbor at dinner was a baroness (and former sex columnist for cosmo). nowadays she dined mostly on champagne and hors d'oeuvres and wrote about food, sex and alcohol. as she talked of past cover stories, industry names and venerable dining establishments on the verge of closing, we wondered if we would also talk of such things if we stayed too long in new york.

4 hours and 8 tasting menu courses later...i've decided that my new resolution is to make decisions so that i don't regret the outcome. (and to be thankful).

a samantha moment

2009-01-04T04:01:00.014-05:00

headed down to sd in nye tradition, i stopped by a grocery store* near campus.

it was crowded (although this was nothing compared to the ny location, where shoppers practically make a sport of ramming their carts into each other), so i wasn't doing much other than standing in line for a while with a bottle of wine and a houseplant.

the cashier asked to see the id of the person ahead of me.

he asked for the id of the person behind me.

flabbergasted, i turned to scrutinize the woman. she looked older than me, i thought (and of course i was striving for objectivity).

i didn't get it. he didn't ask for mine.

do i look old?

how old do i look?

too old to pass for a college student anymore?

why didn't he ask for mine?

why couldn't he have just flattered me?!

one really does know how to drive oneself crazy. especially as one gets older.

*anonymous to protect the innocent

memory lane

2008-12-27T23:14:00.059-05:00

i have a terrible disease. it's known as ictaa (ican'tthrowanythingaway). i've always considered my room, left untouched by my parents, as a sort of shrine. but the reality is, every trace of me would have long been effaced from the house if they only could have forced me to clean it out years ago. my symptoms are coming to the forefront now, and i'm suffering for it.

my parents are moving to a retirement community.

when they first told me their plans, i felt myself cringing inwardly. it wasn't so much that they would be moving out of the home i've grown up in, but that the words 'retirement community' connoted an unpleasant refuge for the elderly and infirm, right before they arrived at death's door. but now that i've had time to get used to the idea, it doesn't seem so awful. in fact, maybe they have the right idea. they've got the golden age of retirement all set, with endless games of golf and ping pong stretched out before them.

i would have happily let my finger paintings gather dust for a few more years, but this time i can't ignore the ultimatum. so i'm going through and clearing out an entire lifetime of possessions: bits and pieces of junk, awash in a flood of sentiment. it's bizarre. a few hundred square feet of what might as well be a giant time capsule. old photos, notebooks crammed with writing, clothes too embarrassing to look at, a collection of stuffed animals languishing in the closet. after the photos, which seemed profaned by being tossed into the trash (all those memories!), i think i'm having the hardest time parting with my notebooks from college. perhaps it's because captured between them is years' worth of education...time spent in lectures and tutorials and all nighters. admittedly, i didn't spend much time in class...but looking over these notes, i'm in awe of the person who wrote so knowledgeably of english gothic vs german vs french, and the particulars of medieval feudalism. i feel so much...dumber. is this normal? do you learn only to forget most of what you've learned up till now?

maybe mel was right all along. she had a fondness for a quote that i used to think was funny. it doesn't seem as funny as it did when i first heard it:

the more i study

the more i know

the more i forget

the less i know

so why study?

on the market

2008-12-27T23:11:00.046-05:00

my mother, i'm convinced, has been dreaming of my wedding since i was in junior high. or maybe even before then. at least i'm pretty sure that's around the time she told me to start praying...for my future husband.

my family is forever being invited to big la korean weddings, and as befitting members in good standing, we usually went. my mom would maneuver me into the seat closest to the aisle so i could get the best view of the bride as she came down the aisle. afterwards, mom would dissect everything, with comments about the bride's dress not being 'white enough', or 'shows too much skin' or disliking how the ceremony was held outside, thus letting me know her preferences and how she envisioned my big day. sometimes she would leave particularly creative invitations or wedding favors in my room, presumably for me to study and draw inspiration from, as my own wedding hung hazily in the air above us like a ghost.

as i approach the-age-which-must-not-be-named, mom has become increasingly Desperate and Anxious about my marital state. (might as well add A Little Crazy in there too). when a mother is pushing her child (her 'one and only daughter!') towards the altar as fast as mine is, there are no boundaries.

visiting my church in brooklyn one sunday, she made a beeline for the pastor (with me and dad in tow):

mom: pastor, you've got to pray for my daughter.

pastor: well, yes, we're praying...for everyone.

mom: you've got to pray that she will find a good and faithful HUSBAND.

pastor: but the bible doesn't say, 'seek ye first a good husband.'

mom (not really amused): hahhah.

it's a topic that comes up with alarming frequency. she tells any kid who's in college to start looking around for their mates, worries over all my unmarried cousins ('she's 36?' *gasp*) on my dad's side, and goes after my brother ('why aren't you introducing her to your friends?'). i can see she's losing sleep over this. i wish i could reassure her, comfort her somehow, but all i can say when she calls me up and tells me she just gave out my number and email to somebody's friend's son (who graduated-from-MIT-and-is-from-a-good-family) is 'okay mom. yes mom. love you too.'

grateful

2008-12-04T22:49:00.013-05:00

thanksgiving has come and gone, but i'm still feeling grateful.

here's what i'm grateful for:

1) in these uncertain times, and after today's shakeup, i'm grateful to be employed. i had naively thought just a few months ago that media and health were safe. we're not. unfortunately it's becoming quite clear that no one's immune from what's happening...on cnn money today's count=over 20,000 job cuts. so some of us are safe...for now...the last quarter of '08. who knows what q1 of '09 will bring? occasionally my mom has good advice; i'll have to remind myself what she said: don't think too far ahead.

2) iceland was beautiful, otherworldly...like a dream. just like its music.

3) in 2 1/2 weeks, i'll be home for the holidays.

4) we will inaugurate a new president soon.