memory lane

i have a terrible disease. it's known as ictaa (ican'tthrowanythingaway). i've always considered my room, left untouched by my parents, as a sort of shrine. but the reality is, every trace of me would have long been effaced from the house if they only could have forced me to clean it out years ago. my symptoms are coming to the forefront now, and i'm suffering for it. 

my parents are moving to a retirement community. 

when they first told me their plans, i felt myself cringing inwardly. it wasn't so much that they would be moving out of the home i've grown up in, but that the words 'retirement community' connoted an unpleasant refuge for the elderly and infirm, right before they arrived at death's door. but now that i've had time to get used to the idea, it doesn't seem so awful. in fact, maybe they have the right idea. they've got the golden age of retirement all set, with endless games of golf and ping pong stretched out before them. 

i would have happily let my finger paintings gather dust for a few more years, but this time i can't ignore the ultimatum. so i'm going through and clearing out an entire lifetime of possessions: bits and pieces of junk, awash in a flood of sentiment. it's bizarre. a few hundred square feet of what might as well be a giant time capsule. old photos, notebooks crammed with writing, clothes too embarrassing to look at, a collection of stuffed animals languishing in the closet. after the photos, which seemed profaned by being tossed into the trash (all those memories!), i think i'm having the hardest time parting with my notebooks from college. perhaps it's because captured between them is years' worth of education...time spent in lectures and tutorials and all nighters. admittedly, i didn't spend much time in class...but looking over these notes, i'm in awe of the person who wrote so knowledgeably of english gothic vs german vs french, and the particulars of medieval feudalism. i feel so much...dumber. is this normal? do you learn only to forget most of what you've learned up till now?

maybe mel was right all along. she had a fondness for a quote that i used to think was funny. it doesn't seem as funny as it did when i first heard it: 

the more i study

the more i know

the more i know

the more i forget

the more i forget

the less i know

so why study?

on the market

my mother, i'm convinced, has been dreaming of my wedding since i was in junior high. or maybe even before then. at least i'm pretty sure that's around the time she told me to start praying...for my future husband. 

my family is forever being invited to big la korean weddings, and as befitting members in good standing, we usually went. my mom would maneuver me into the seat closest to the aisle so i could get the best view of the bride as she came down the aisle. afterwards, mom would dissect everything, with comments about the bride's dress not being 'white enough', or 'shows too much skin' or disliking how the ceremony was held outside, thus letting me know her preferences and how she envisioned my big day. sometimes she would leave particularly creative invitations or wedding favors in my room, presumably for me to study and draw inspiration from, as my own wedding hung hazily in the air above us like a ghost.

as i approach the-age-which-must-not-be-named, mom has become increasingly Desperate and Anxious about my marital state. (might as well add A Little Crazy in there too). when a mother is pushing her child (her 'one and only daughter!') towards the altar as fast as mine is, there are no boundaries. 

visiting my church in brooklyn one sunday, she made a beeline for the pastor (with me and dad in tow): 

mom: pastor, you've got to pray for my daughter.

pastor: well, yes, we're praying...for everyone.

mom: you've got to pray that she will find a good and faithful HUSBAND.

pastor: but the bible doesn't say, 'seek ye first a good husband.'

mom (not really amused): hahhah.

it's a topic that comes up with alarming frequency. she tells any kid who's in college to start looking around for their mates, worries over all my unmarried cousins ('she's 36?' *gasp*) on my dad's side, and goes after my brother ('why aren't you introducing her to your friends?'). i can see she's losing sleep over this. i wish i could reassure her, comfort her somehow, but all i can say when she calls me up and tells me she just gave out my number and email to somebody's friend's son (who graduated-from-MIT-and-is-from-a-good-family) is 'okay mom. yes mom. love you too.'

grateful

thanksgiving has come and gone, but i'm still feeling grateful. 

here's what i'm grateful for:

1) in these uncertain times, and after today's shakeup, i'm grateful to be employed. i had naively thought just a few months ago that media and health were safe. we're not. unfortunately it's becoming quite clear that no one's immune from what's happening...on cnn money today's count=over 20,000 job cuts. so some of us are safe...for now...the last quarter of '08. who knows what q1 of '09 will bring? occasionally my mom has good advice; i'll have to remind myself what she said: don't think too far ahead.

2) iceland was beautiful, otherworldly...like a dream. just like its music.

3) in 2 1/2 weeks, i'll be home for the holidays.

4) we will inaugurate a new president soon.